423,935 notes       September 22, 2014 @ 21:42       Via(Source)

papa-erwin:

fuckyeahgodofmischief:

Become a figure skater they said

you will be graceful they said

I WILL SO FUCKING MAKE REACTION PICS OUT OF THIS SHIT

#ok this made me feel a lil better
      August 31, 2014 @ 01:46      

i’m alive

i’ve just been over here mostly

9 notes       August 15, 2014 @ 18:46      

this is a thing that happened by the way

74,067 notes       August 10, 2014 @ 14:48       Via(Source)

monosexuals:

What he says: how do u know when lesbian sex is over???

What he means: I’ve never given a woman an orgasm ever in my life

254 notes       August 10, 2014 @ 14:45       Via(Source)

sassmaster-general:

The need for transition to be covered by insurance (meaning: for transsexualism to be medicalized) trumps everything else. I do not give a shit about a bunch of teenaged bunselves on the Internet. I care about keeping myself and other dysphoric trans folk alive, healthy, and happy. I will stomp all over your fucking feelings to accomplish this, because our lives are more important than your feels.

221,928 notes       August 10, 2014 @ 14:36       Via(Source)
#omfg
190,049 notes       August 10, 2014 @ 14:34       Via(Source)
disposable-spleen:To get that hairdo surgically removed, I hope

disposable-spleen:

To get that hairdo surgically removed, I hope

684,483 notes       August 10, 2014 @ 14:31       Via(Source)

tomkirk:

my life is just a collection of poorly made decisions with alternative music playing in the background

13,834 notes       August 10, 2014 @ 14:19       Via(Source)
301,235 notes       August 10, 2014 @ 14:01       Via(Source)

versvcx:

fuck you but fuck me first

213,360 notes       August 10, 2014 @ 13:59       Via(Source)

fishingboatproceeds:

ohcurtains:

ofgeography:

so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

  • it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

  • you have to pay for pay per view.

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

  • AS A FAMILY.

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

"i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

  • my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
  • my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
  • my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
  • me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

  • WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?

"don’t expose my kid to that crap."

  • DON’T
  • EXPOSE
  • MY KID
  • TO THAT CRAP

"if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room."

  • I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
  • IN THE LIVING ROOM

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • i did not want to go to porn prison

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

  • my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
  • my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
  • my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • this is the best thing i’ve ever done

what an amazing story

Wow.

2 notes       August 10, 2014 @ 13:50      

Hi I’m alive it’s just really hard to maintain three accounts without a computer

      July 22, 2014 @ 17:16      

I have been here for three minutes and I’ve already seen two things that make me want to vomit

I’m outie

2 notes       July 22, 2014 @ 17:07      

Hi I’m here today how are you all

1,620 notes       July 16, 2014 @ 22:52       Via

caseyanthonyofficial:

Angry customer: I’d like to speak to the manager.
Me: I am the manager.
Me under my breath: Biiiiiiiiiiiiitch